good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
your dick doesn't do me any good in arizona
What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
i just discovered a movie that charlize theron is a sex addict. i think my prayers have been answered
You just kept yelling, "THAT'S THE POWER OF PINESOL, BABY!"
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
I mean I don't object to weird looking penis as long as it gets the job done. I just need to get it in. I'm gonna be humping chairs soon.
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
She wanted a dick pic so I sent her brett Favres dick pic then she asked why I have pictures of old men's beautiful dicks
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
Randomize
