At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
It would be been irresponsible not to make cleaning the apartment into a drinking game
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
you left me with this keg alone. this is on your hands
This is home. And home is where you find your family. And you try not to make out with your family.
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
I have fence marks all over my body
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
I want to create a human. Discussion later.
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
Randomize
