Thats not how I planned it, its just the way she passed out
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
btw my roommates send a round of applause to you and that guy you tried to fuck on our wall. Additionally they hope he got it in.
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
It went alright, nothing too special, just got threatened with a knife by our server.
booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
I don't believe u have enough text space to describe the dimensions of his penis.
We had a pillow fight. It looks like an angel exploded here. A DRUNK ALCOHOLIC ANGEL
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
Suffice to say, I think if people ask about your bruises, and you look them right in the eye, and say "they're from fucking...", people would be like, "respect."
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
Everything is a learning experience. Last night we learned why I'm not allowed to bring guys home from the bar....
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
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