Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
She passed out in the backyard, making "face down" snow angels ... so they could have a smile.
I should start riding the bus again so I can drink all day
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
I have a big to do list for you. Number 1 - me. Number 2 - drink wine 3. Talk my ears off. 4. Me again
I just want to like fall into a pit of hot wings beside a keg of yingling and eat my way to freedom
He had a step stool to get in to his bed!
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
I feel like it is our duty to make homophobic people more afraid of us. They're never going to change, but maybe we can get to a "wrath of god" kind of worship-him-or-he'll-destroy-you-with-his-care-bear-stare type thing.
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
Remember the Giant sandworm from the movie Dune? Well that's about how big his dick is. No bulshit.
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