He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
Just found 2 diff. colored pubes in my underwear..new record.
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
If I had a penis, I would stick it EVERYWHERE. I don't know what these guys are doing.
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
Now that makes it sound like you had sex with a guy in batman costume and you never took the mask off so you can't 100 percent be sure.
He pushed a skinny white blonde out of the way just to tell me "you have the finest ass, like ever."
I have never loved a nerdy white boy this much.
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
In other news, I had my first sex related injury of the school year so that's cool
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
We broke the bed while I was handcuffed to the headboard and let's just say that was a hard one to explain to the RA
We aren't doing Shrooms tonight bc that would be friendship cheating on you
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
shes rolling around in the floor yelling my vagina hates me
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