I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
I haven't seen Daniella all day...are you sure she was safe going home with that guy?
oh don't worry! i asked him if he was a rapist. he said no
I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
There is no excuse for watching a Jesse McCartney movie.
Weird. Haha. I guess taking advice from batman is a good idea.
My mom just blew pot smoke into my nose and called me a cat.
Also pregame at mine tomorrow?
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
Def over. He sent me a nude selfie but cropped it right above his junk. Total Silence of the Fucking lambs looking.
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
I will teach you the ways of the ho life, my little gay grasshopper.
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Randomize
