Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
One of my friends found 6 bags of gummy bears on the roof. He lives a building over. Apparently even hammered you still have quite an arm
I just taped a plastic bag to my ceiling for the next time I have to throw up on the top bunk. Why am I so good at college?
i have my graded calc test (94%) sitting on my empty case of beer next to my desk. this is me winning at college.
So, do you think I should wash the ashes off of my forehead before going to the strip club?
I just had to tell her that no she really doesnt need to sneak pizza from mcmurrays out in a plastic bag for me later
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
When I got up in the middle of the night, puked in his trash can, and snuck out the front door, I pretty sure he knew it was over.
Halloween is the only night where I would ever end up getting a guy's makeup all over my face
Do you remember lying across two tables saying 'go away I'm trying to pull' to me, Sollie and Sean?
There's a lady lying down on the sidewalk in front of our building smoking a cig
One last thing: he lists glow sticks and tacos as things he can't live without. How would we not be friends??
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
Randomize
