What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
On blowjobs: "If you decide to go there, you finish the job. No complaining." I don't care if it sounds like she's talking about Iraq, I'm in love.
it feels like theres a golf ball between my legs. the sex was totally worth it tho.
so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
I met him yesterday and now he's wanting to hold hands and kiss in public. i hate this
I wonder if that one guy remembers you sticking salami to his forehead when he was passed out on new years eve.
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
Apparently you can coat check a keg.
i'm not saying you're gay. i'm just saying all my gay friends think you have a great ass.
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
So baked. About to eat a calzone then hate fuck this guy.
THAT'S MY GIRL
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
did you just describe your masturbation session as "rad af??"
You don't come back from leaving a bag of shit on someone's counter Jill
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
Randomize
