Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
Somehow I managed to make my Dunkin Donuts uniform look slutty. And I'm not even wearing hoops.
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
she had a concussion and she still scored nine points higher than me on the midterm
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
I thought you should know that there is a scientific law stating that when there is booze, people talk about your dick.
Two questions for you. Did I throw up last night and did we get food or did I dream that..?
No you never threw up but you did force me to take you to wendy's because you wanted "beef and ketchup"
I'm wearing green eyeshadow so even if I end up totally naked I still won't get pinched.
If you fall asleep, my vagina and I will never forgive you.
When my beach tent arrives , I strongly suggest quitting our jobs and becoming homeless beach drunks
My sensibilities as a lady demand we cuddle on the couch, and THEN have loud, raunchy sex. Idk, what do you want to do?
why do i have a pole dance champion shot glass?
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
i dont know how or why im in the gym right now, but theres a hot cop, a guy i hook up with, and his hot friend. this can only lead to every fantasy i ever had.
Randomize
