Don't you ever say "drinking at 2" as if it's a bad thing again. I'm asking you as a friend here.
i found the one person in the world who takes longer to cum than i do... mutual dissatisfaction is probably not the best foundation for a relationship.
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
It's like if you got one of your titties chopped off...think of how much one would miss the other...that's how I feel when we're apart. A tit with no twin.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
Just took last nights make up off with a sock. That hungover.
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
I mean it's a good blow job, but it's not worth the four hour round trip.
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
If it exists, I've probably pregamed it.
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
i cant hook up i'm covered in egg rolls
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
Randomize
