no more stoned jack in the box. this is the third night in a row.
Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
it was better than the time i puked and I forgot to open the lid of the toilet
Two girls down stairs, two girls up stairs and....
We've got ourselves a situation
He just compared himself to a majestic butterfly in regards to the lack of girlfriends. i don't even know what to say.
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
Okay. We're coming naked. We need Saran wrap and plastic forks.
New rule. Every time you and I have a disagreement that lasts longer than 10min, while in a bar, we'll have a shot. Figure we'll eventually start agreeing sooner rather than later...
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
When ur uncle gives you free weed, you take it
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
I just woke up in a prom dress on your bathroom floor, yea I'm 32.
Randomize
