The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
dear roomies, would anyone wanna donate the booze they left in the fridge over break to the "your roomies snowed in and all alone" fund?
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
Also, hurry up because I don't like drinking alone. I'm still doing it, but I don't like it.
Her life is filled with shit luck. Its like mother nature is having her period and just taking it out on her specifically.
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
I'm not saying Tijuana was a bad idea, I'm saying that we make poor life choices. And Steve was robbed by the police.
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
we were looking for paper towels to wrap his hand and i yanked a drawer out of the cabinet, it was fun so we just kept doing it. things escalated and long story short, he isn't gettin his security deposit back
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
Dude, half of south Mississippi has seen my taint. I'm not worried.
When you didn't respond I figured you must be busy so I'm home in my pj's 2 beers in and stoned from weed I got from my gaybours. They also gave me cake. I'm not moving from this recliner.
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
Randomize
