my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
He looks like he'd be great Lego character.
He's moaning and crying and coughing up something audibly liquid. I can't live in this house any more.
AFTER I licked the bald guys head they told me we weren't playing
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
She wants to go furniture shopping for memorial day so we've gotta go portable
thermos full of jaeger bombs?
Affirmative
party devolved into two exes battling with Cal's tiki torches, and the lawn being set on fire kinda sorta and then we all hula'ed... hulaed?
Well, she chose the fuckboy life or the life chose her. Not sure which one but either way I don't need that negativity in my life.
I think I was high. I asked a dude at chillis if they had a cereal buffet
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
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