can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
hey remember that time we got really drunk, you tried to find narnia in my refrigerator and passed out in the freezer drawer??
no.
Knee deep in strippers, everything is comped. will try hard to be there at 8. i promise.
FOR A FUCKING 40?! A FUCKING 40?! YOU GAVE THE CAT AWAY FOR BEER?!
it's not a party till someone uses the fire extinguisher.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
Blood and glitter go together right?
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
ATTN: We are officially 15 weeks from our annual "Get-Mega-Stoned-and-BBQ" event. Start saving up the proper supplies. That is all.
If tits could talk, mine would be bragging
He ate me out while Space Jam was on. My life is complete.
I tried to break it off with the married one. He offered to pay off my car.
The side bitch struggle is real.
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
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