Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
Why is there a shirtless guy in Walgreens and why is he probably looking for the same thing I am?
so as we were driving to pick up my grandma from old navy she procedes to yell into our open window.. "I'll make ya holla fo a dolla" umm...
I never thought I'd say this, but there is a life threatening amount of rumpleminz in our freezer
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
Well, I wish you luck on finding out who your boyfriend is
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
we didn't have sex though. because i have the will power of an ox.
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
Randomize
