Ha i know. My vag can't go too crazy for a boy halfway across the country. It doesn't have that good of range
my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
Being the only sober one.. I had to feed you guys doritos. You kept licking my fingers.
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
Liquid roulette time! Black Mystery Cups are filled with either ipecac, whiskey, or NyQuil. Let's have fun
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night�
So what happened? Or does sex + ramen pretty much cover it?
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
We're gonna start a pole dancing competition or a bar fight. Stand by for results.
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
Watching South Park, doing sit-ups and drinking tequila. In other words, my night is going pretty good.
Randomize
