I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
Chasing a shot of svedka with a clementine is NOT the same as tequila w lime...
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
Just got walked in on while fucking in the lounge in the performing arts building. The janitors gave us five minutes to leave and applauded our exit
Oh my god. A memory of last night just came to me. One of our neighbors joked about Thomas having a big dick and I just kept shaking my head profusely.
hoooly shit dude in taco costume challenged alpha douche to a fight. he's got catch phrases. come. now.
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
I couldn't fall back asleep it was too bright so I just took my sports bra off and put it over my eyes
I rather not break my neck. It's hard to look sexy with a neck cast.
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
I fucked your neighbor. Welcome to the new apartment!
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
Randomize
