I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
If your still trying to figure out the moment I stopped caring; it was the point in which you said "I really wasn't sure whose baby it was"
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
there is a video of me from last night trying to light my breath on fire. that drunk.
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
WHY WONT HOT GETMAN MAKR PUPR WITH ME!!!!???!?!!
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
And then the night went full on bisexual.
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
I told him no rough stuff and he immediately bit my ass. Who the fuck does that?
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
Randomize
