I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
We need to start having rules for the weekends. Like no more downing 3 shots because we want to slut dance a little harder or because biggie just came on.
There are about 5 pictures of my dog taking a dump on my camera and 20 of Brandon taking one for "comparison" reasons.
If you hook up with your cousin you will permanently be my favorite person ever.
I'm bringing Sergeant Single Slut out this weekend. I hope you're ready for her.
In the middle of having sex she stopped, said "guess what, it's clitoris awareness week" and then continued fucking me
Much like Dre, I was forgotten about.
We're fucking and Lee Greenwood God Bless the USA comes on and he came. It was the most Roll Tide America moment of my life.
Well start with a list of things you don't want to do... Like maybe 1) I don't want join Isis. That's a good start.
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
you were shouting "me peeing on him is the closest he'll EVER get to my vagina!"
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
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