my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
He just left me a message saying he left the rest of the weed for me. Did i just get paid for sex? And if yes did i just get paid in drugs?
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
I just woke up to find the whole kitchen sick had been converted into a gravity bong.
The way I see it, everyone on campus has a fake, but I'm the only person who actually makes beer in their dorm.
I don't know what's worse the the fact he has worn a protective cup for last 3 years in fear of being kicked in the balls. Or the fact that the one day he decides to throw caution to the wind and doesn't wear it and actually gets kicked in the balls.
Who in tha hell do u hang out with?
We woke up in the room with a hamburger patty on the bed side table, one bun across the room, and the other bun under my pillow. Still don't know who ordered room service.
I just pulled the nickels from earlier out of my bra in class. The guy next to me is either terrified or intrigued.
My saliva right now is around 7.6% alcohol/volume.
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
He took a girl home at like eight, fucked her, kicked her out, came back to the bar, and repeated the process again at 10:30 and 2:30. THREE GIRLS IN ONE NIGHT. ALL PICKUPS. I HATE HIM.
You know darned well I have a well-documented weakness for redheads, Subway and hand-drawn graphic novels.
I'm sexting at my family's 4th of July BBQ and I feel no shame....
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
Randomize
