I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
He always grinds on me and is like "This is awesome because we're both Catholic!"
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
Its only.eleven and we are already chasing a man on a bike with a bag full of burger king
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
I need to think of the best way to tell this boy he's not getting his pants back
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
Dude, those shrooms u gave me made me remember writing the bible. Fuckn awesome
Sorry about all of the penis things that happened last night.
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
Where'd you go?
Laundry, im. A responsible drunk
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
Randomize
