I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
She had sex in a public bathroom and slept on a couch in the dorm lobby. It's only Monday
We were fucking while the tv was on, and one of those animal cruelty commercials came on. We then switched over and started doing it doggy style. It was then that I realized that I'm going to hell.
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
Twist to Josh's story, he had a gyro in his hand and never dropped it even after he got knocked the fuck out
Using my graduation announcement box as a table to roll a blunt on. I've official stopped giving a shit about senior year
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
YOU DESERVE A GUY WITH A NORMAL DICK DONT SETTLE FOR ANYTHING LESS
I was planning out a scrapbook to memorialize my affair.......and that's when it hit me, I don't make good choices. On the upside, the scrap book came out great and I am glad I saved all the gate passes from the airport.
I'm not sure. I have to find the Greeks I was with last night and see if they can explain to me why I can't hear out of my right ear and why I look like I got the shit kicked out of me
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
Randomize
