Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
I un-blacked out around 7am watching J.lo videos on youtube
I think I'd rather ejaculate tabasco. You'd have to scrape out guacamole.
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
When i look at that picture of him, i'm a little proud to be like yeah, his dick was in my mouth saturday no big deal.
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
please just be careful, i just switched my facebook status to "in a relationship", i would look really pathetic if i had to change it back to "single" already
We are going out Saturday. Oh and we might also be jousting on bikes.
ME TOO. Am adrunk madr out qith. White guy. Guy de white. Blanco chico. Chico de blanco
I thought you should know that there is a scientific law stating that when there is booze, people talk about your dick.
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
In my defense, who let the drunk girl run around with a sack of broken glass unsupervise?
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
Randomize
