I hate your face
Is it a bad sign when i blow my nose && can smell vodka?
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
i didn't know falling asleep in the tbell line could get you a dui. Isn't everyone there stoned or drunk?
I don't care what you say, cheap wine does NOT taste better in expensive crystal...
I went back up to the apartment to get her phone and when I came back she was peeing on the sidewalk
how did i get to the car and why are my shoes broken
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
sorry bout that man. went out to pay the pizza boy, ended up hooking up with some random drunk girl that thought i was someone else
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
She's not a foreskin expert like you
best eviction party ever.
it wasn't an eviction party you asshole, you just happened to get yourself evicted during the party.
Your vagina is not a steamboat from the 1800's
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
Randomize
