Wow, your whole life is a joke regardless of the fact that its april fools day
i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
A 20 minute car ride back to your car with the girl u had drunk anal with is the most uncomfortable thing ever.
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
Apparently blazed enough to think that the sizzling meatballs in the pan were calling your name...Ssssteeeeeve
I found the bottle of ketchup and sobe you tried to hide in the middle of the lawn last night
I believe nudity is frowned upon at that establishment
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
OK... But I need to shower first because I'm covered in stuff I definitely shouldn't have slept in
My aunt just dropped me off at the bar, handed me $50 and told me she'd pick me up later if I needed her to. I should've gotten my license suspended a long ass time ago lol
Randomize
