He is such a gentleman, he paid for my plan b
I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
i knew it was time to break up with him once he pulled out the Halo foreplay costumes
hammered. By myself. Accident. Faillll. Snowwwwwy
either i blacked out mid-sex but remember the beginning and end, or he really only lasted a couple of minutes
I don't know if it's lucky or if it really just makes my tits look THAT good, but I've never NOT gotten laid with this bra on
Of course, you get to fuck all night while I'm stuck in the girls bathroom sucking a limp dick for coke
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
I was playing 'If You Had To Fuck One or Die' with the old composite pictures with a guy in the bathroom line. They were all pretty ugly so I go "You can tell this is a lower tier frat"......turns out the guy was a brother
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
On a scale of having tea with Ghandi to the apocalypse how bad of an idea is it to drink with a 100 degree fever?
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