he asked me out through an event invitation on facebook, the title read Romantic Dinner For 2
just convinced brandon semen are bugs that crawl in your pants and make gooey juice. now hes convinced he has them lmao
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
All i know is we had 4 people on a tandum bike, and told the cops we couldnt stop because our momentum was so good.
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
Sleeping with random people is the same as soul searching, right? Ps that wasn't a team name suggestion.
There is a chick wearing some guy's shirt wrapped around her waist as a skirt... She's flashing her panties to everyone as she sings karaoke. You need to get here.
I think my ball sweat smells like waffle house. might be time to change up drunken eating habits
That was years ago. And it was chlamydia.
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
I love her so much I can forgive her for wearing crocs
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
