I want to take you away to a place of dolphin rides and hot stone massages.
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
I put the beer in my little red riding hood basket.
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
...But it's not like we would be the first people to pay for an abortion with student loans and cell phone rebates.
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
Are u guys proud? I puked my brains out last night at a strip club. While my two fave strippèrs held my hair
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
Randomize