I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
he told me not be awkward when his girlfriend comes tomorrow. and then he made out with me
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
He insisted on sleeping in my bed. Had he taken all of my obvious hints I would have sucked his dick. He only wanted to snuggle. My world has been turned upside down.
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
Can't tonight. I'm supposed to get drugs for some college kids. Just doin my part in helping to enlight america's future
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
Cancel your plans for the fourth someone is streaming iron chef on twitch
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