my girlfriends now gay ex-boyfriend kissed me. tell maddie i can't hangout today
this is amy. the small petlike person from the womens bathroom at the reef.
I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
can i drink enough to forget this semester even happened?
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
yea sometimes its awkward. but when you're a straight bartender at a gay bar and everyone knows it, they all think that they can make me turn gay. its like oh yea dude that extra $20 tip makes me want to suck some dick now
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
Randomize
