I don't smoke a lot but now and then I do. Weed and I are like still standing naked in a bathroom together deciding if we should blow one another or bolt for the exit. An awkward relationship.
I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
you kept lifting my skirt up, yelling "PANTY PARTY". needless to say, you're at the top of my father's shit list right now.
just got drunk at a party with Christmas themed solo cups.. holidays are officially here.
You kept throwing bottles at the dorm across the courtyard and when anyone told you to stop you just said "who are you? Al Gore?"
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.
Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.
It wasn't so much a one night stand as much as one night she puked on my nightstand.
Sex should always be followed by Chinese food in bed.
It's the eve of Christ's birthday and I'm sending pictures of my tits
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
It's dangerous to be this horny at work. I'm gonna stain my desk chair
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