so i told my doctor my symptons and she just shook her head at me
how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
We fucked to techno music while he wore shin guards... best sex ever.
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
i just shaved my vag. i figure it gave me about ten more minutes to drink tomorrow.
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
Wanna show up on a guy's doorstep and punch him in the balls for me? At least this one isn't a cop.
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
OF COURSE I NEED TO KNOW I MUST KNOW EVERYTHING
YOU ARE NOT OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
I AM OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
I got locked into my place today. You might be wondering if that was a typo... It's not.
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