ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
she was definitely wearing a bumpit. i think it was the hollywood bumpit. i told her that i lived with my parents to get outta taking her home.
my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
Just topless shotgunned a bud light alone. I am about to peer mentor the shit out of these freshmen.
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
You sternly pointed at him and declared that you would ride his cock until the early dawn.
Then, you ate a turkey sub, went into his room
Well watching will be involved...it'll just most likely be of me licking your penis instead of me trying to understand how Hans Solo goes up against the Galactic Empire...
A dude I dated in high school just put a status about National Coming Out day. I checked his relationship status. He is dating a dude. Hello, Friday.
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
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