listening to techno makes your hand move faster while masterbating
just gave a homeless man a kiss in exchange for two handles
exact location. now.
You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
Yeah, it kinda sucks. But it was fun while it lasted. And honestly, his penis is way too big for my life.
i woke up and saw you were brushing his hair naked. I can never pass out around you, man.
we've had our differences but let's set them aside, go home and fuck
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
Then that means he's outwardly conservative. Inwardly he's a total gay horndog. He's like a spy that can ruin conservative plans.
I want to change all my life goals to that.
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
Shit facedness and cuddling are what you have to look forward to this evening.
Randomize
