I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
I had to move some guys boxers out of the dryer. This is the closest I'll be getting to dick this month.
I'm just saying, asking "Are you happy with me?" during a handjob is simply unfair and scientifically inadmissiable.
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
I responded with "neat-o burrito" to his SEXT...he tried so hard and I just panicked.
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
Drunk sex on a hardwood floor is never ever a good idea. Lesson learned.
I had to ask my mom to look for my kegle ball...
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