You're my little dorito
I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
so sad. i just ate the last good 'n' plenty out of the bottom of my purse.
Just think, if your stepsister would've gotten knocked up 2 years earlier, she could've had a TV show. What a bitch.
We're stoned and watching little Einstein videos. Come. Over. Now.
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
No. 70% of the female population would find them attractive. The other 30% are lesbian and even they would appreciate them for their strong bodies and athletic capabilities.
So we came to a decision, you need to fuck your hot roommate and send us pictures. We voted, so don't hate the democracy this great country stands for
i ended up making out with my new neighbor in a stranger's car that we found unlocked on a driveway somewhere. apparently drunk self never say "no" to adventure.
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
I almost took a picture but it looked like he might have a shank and I'm just not at a place in my life where I could handle having tetanus
I'll pretend I don't know she's blind, my morals claimed the back seat in this adventure.
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
He's like a sexy bearded lumberjack who likes wine.. I can't lose..
He also needs to focus on not being such a little bitch, but that's none of my business.
Randomize
