I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
He wouldnt stop screaming that he wanted a trashcan WITH a lid. Whats so necassary about a lid
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
Making drunken Mac n cheese at 3 am I understand why witches constantly stir their cauldrons. Much more homogenized temperature and slim chance of boiling over. Good job witches.
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
I tried to break it off with the married one. He offered to pay off my car.
The side bitch struggle is real.
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
That's too much drama for once a month dick... that's in-house dick drama only
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
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