I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
Yeah, but I'm out of licorice and there's no way anywhere near here will rent us all mopeds on a Tuesday night.
After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
Just tried to tap morse code on the wall seperating our beds to tell you I was awake and ready to smoke
im not an educated person. i just do things. and it works out in my favor
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
Jasmine is diving into bushes again.
fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs
Partying with my eighth grade history teacher I know you're jealous
You took nana to a bar?!
she suggested it
I'm with the cops, Trish's gay husband stabbed himself and is framing her for attempt of murder and I'm dressed 4 the club I'm wearing leather pants leather jacket leather boots and black club top. Embarrassed
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
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