booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
Well i just learned hong kong is a country...thank you olympics
its a sex-hate relationship...no love involved
Damn it, I know in the morning I'm going to regret eating out of the trash...
He let me keep his flannel as a "good job" for the great head I gave him.
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
Even worse we were making a sex tape so our reaction to the condom breaking was recorded.
All I really remember is shouting "THANKS FOR LETTING ME MAKE OUT WITH YOUR GIRLFRIEND."
What can I say? You have this amazing power over straight girls.
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
i just need to find someone who enjoys eating frozen waffles as much as I do. It will be perfect.
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
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