Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
people from other dorms came to marvel at the dump i took. i had a bio major take a picture.
From now on, just let me go home. I'm tired of hooking up with your roommates... Including you.
I'm so hungover I took Dramamine to help prevent the motion sickness of walking.
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
hey your mom heard me say to her " That right your not going to Shit right for a month"
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
The things i do for you...I put all those condoms on a bed, complete with girl, and you sleep in the bathroom
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
I met her at the quidditch match. She was the snitch and I caught her. After at the bar she walked up grabbed my hand and said snitches have flesh memories.
I haven't included my nuts in a shave since the Shaq/kobe Lakers era. I gave my self the ol full court press in order to change the tempo.
Every time you mention the threesome around him I will high five you. Do what you will with this information.
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
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