She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
I remember spending $50 at Ozzie's on Friday...my Visa remembers $120.
i cant get the smell of ass out of my nose
Dude I could put my dick between the gap in her teeth.. This is the last time we are hanging out with Kentucky girls
Just found a "how to get laid" book on the dresser and am now a victim of method number 16 corollary 7.
Before you become official, we should get a hotel room and fuck our brains out. Sort of like a going away party for your penis.
So far we've hooked up on a pool table, on a public bathroom counter and now in a little league baseball dugout. We haven't even made to a house yet.
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
You kept sayin "its alright, I'm pre-med" to everything we said. EVERYTHING.
Randomize
