I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
Lesson learned. Kayak oars are not golf clubs....check
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
Yeah I don't remember how I got home last night
Judging from my pants, I embarrassed myself smh
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
Give me 20 minutes.. I'm going to need to start off with an orgasm to get through this day
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
Randomize
