he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
She was hit by a car at 47 mph and lived. That explains everything.
I have your camera. You have 35 naked pictures of me. you're welcome.
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
You were crying and asking his mom "why doesn't he like road head?"
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
Ok ladies its the usual spring break system. 5 for a guy, 10 for a non-lesbian girl and double points is its a group thing. Hottest guy of the day is an additional 15. GAME ON
Just participated in the saddest thing: Cheetos. Handjob. I have lost at life
Is it counter productive to ride on my exercise bike with a cocktail in hand?
I think one of my ovaries is committing suicide. But that is a topic for another day.
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
It’s amazing such a big dick belongs to such a boring guy
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