My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
you just broke rule number 1. If you can't lift her up don't date her
I just don't see what's wrong with carrying a water bottle around.
It's not the bottle. It's the fact that you're drinking wine out of a sport bottle at 9 am.
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
thanks for at least making it out of the pool before you threw up
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
He had "Bad Bitches Only" tattooed above his dick. I don't know his name but I hope I find him again. I also don't feel that I lived up to the challenge.
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
Hey I'm sorry for head butting you last night. Personally I thought it was funny at the time, but I can see how from your perspective it may not have been as enjoyable for you... Hope your lip is okay.
I just wanna get drunk and watch Tarzan with you is that to much to ask?!?
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
drinking vodka out of a wine glass to feel a little bit classier about myself.
I know. I know. He'll be weekday dick.
Your ex spoke highly of your penis and it’s skill. I’m interested in learning more about it ;-)
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
Randomize
