Did we have sex last night?
I think that was the general idea until I got you undressed and you puked on me.
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
My bracket is officially just a list of teams that lost.
I have seen more male genitalia at this party tonight than I ever want to see again in my entire life.
At victory brunch. Have a decent story. Im now eskimo brother with the duke mens basketball teams from 2002 to 2008 and obamas right hand man
Held my professor's hair back while she was puking. I'd better get an A out of this or else the pics are going on Facebook.
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
my vagradar is going off.. it smells a soldier
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
I want to get back to junior year skinny- without all the drugs.
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
yea sometimes its awkward. but when you're a straight bartender at a gay bar and everyone knows it, they all think that they can make me turn gay. its like oh yea dude that extra $20 tip makes me want to suck some dick now
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
Btw that $18 I gave you to run around outside naked came out of your wallet.
Randomize
