Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
Tequila bombs in champagne seemed like a good idea at the time.
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
Trying to find a reliable dealer on Rockfordmugshots.com. Guy arrested for 15 grams of coke could be him !
You realize those people have been ARRESTED recently. right.
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
btw my ex came by last night and saw the pregnancy test intructions. awkwarrrrd.......
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
fell down stairs ended up in underground bar now im dancing with trannies and best night of my life. lines of coke
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
Like, I just want a guy who will drop what he's doing to come touch my vagina whenever I want and to leave me the hell alone whenever I want. Is that SO MUCH TO ASK??
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
Randomize
