I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
She made fun of how I walked so I announced to her boyfriend that I have cum on her face before.
After 10 years all I have gotten is one bra pic, at this point I should be able to draw your cervix from memory
his mom walked in, looked at me, sighed n nsaid 'when are u gonna learn' n walked out
you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
she tried to douche with champagne. in front of all of us. unabashedly.
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
HOLD ONTO YOUR PANTIES AND SAY GOODBYE TO THE REMAINDER OF YOUR INTEGRITY
Post breakup Disney World may be my best idea ever! Tinkerbell just grabbed my dick and gave me a kiss! This really is the happiest place on earth!
If you magically turned into a tall white gay guy, ignore this message. If not, then I'm sure someone has your fb password.
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
As I was blowing him, he proceeded to tell me that his friend who I blew years ago gave me a five star review on my BJ skills. And, he agrees.
Atta girl.
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
It’s the universal cock block of this decade
FUCK THE COCKBLOCK 19
Randomize
