he said i was weird because i want to have sex in public places.
i dont think thats weird i think thats fun
i forgot to tell you, he fell asleep outside my house again last night, but im weird
I plan on using my big titties for evil tonight.
it took you forty minutes to realize it was a gay bar.
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
And leave it to John to ask the cabby to make a Porno in his cab
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
he fell asleep like an hour after we got to the beach, he deserved that penis shaped sunburn.
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
How do you explain to your parents that you can't go to the library because you got banned for being drunk in there... on a Sunday afternoon?
That's $100,000 of quality education right there.
Randomize
