I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
It's also dangerous to ride a bike down the stairs after a few beers, but I've done it.
Lets go see if some hobos will give us a prostate massage for a 40 ounce.
The only thought that went through my head was "that would be an absolute disaster" so of course I said yes
I'll check it out in the morning. Tonight has been reserved for getting baked and covering myself in kittens because THAT IS AN OPTION.
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
I walked out in my coconut bra, and that's when it all went downhill.
Before consuming her Waffle House she did a few deep breaths and cleared the table to "prepare herself for this"
He gave me an orgasim so fantastic that I had an asthma attack.
roommates are droppin acid, i really should stop them from staring directly at the light bulb, but their giggles are so enchanting.
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
Randomize
