A freshman just woke up on our back pourch... He swears there was a party here last night but we didn't have one
We've finally become those guys who you'd see in middle school when you went to the park who are just stoned out of their minds sitting on the swings.
he's having a long distance Facebook-coordinated power hour. the status update has 159 comments ...
She walked in, looked at the bed, sniffed, sighed, and went to grab her cleaning supplies. I'd say she knows.
Hows that studying goin for you?
I'm in my bathtub in a robe and jeans smoking a bowl and my hair is covered in olive oil
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
Said he wanted to wear me as a loincloth. Not sure if sexual or predatory
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
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